


Pain Demands to be Felt

by MsAnimeManga4ever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dean and Sam fighting, Dean and Sam make up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Suicide Attempt, another fic I wort a while ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 04:21:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4691909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsAnimeManga4ever/pseuds/MsAnimeManga4ever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything that's been building up inside of Dean becomes too much. He tries to take his life, but Cas intervenes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain Demands to be Felt

**Author's Note:**

> Tied to the Gadriel and first blade mess

Dean sighed shakily as he leaned back against baby’s windshield.  
“I’m gonna miss ya baby.” He stroked her hood, smiling sadly. “We had a pretty good run, huh? But it’s time all that ended.” The tears he beat down earlier resurfaced. “Hope Sammy cares enough to treat you right.”  
His hands shook as he picked up his gun; it frustrated him. He had to do this. It would be better for everyone in the long run. The only thing that would come out of his death is positivity. What was the point of staying around anyway? There were plenty of hunters out there. It’s not like he was important or anything. All he was was a dropout with six bucks to his name. And the reason he’d always fought so hard to stay alive didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Sammy was tired of his shit. He didn’t trust him, he didn’t even want to be his brother. If he couldn’t look after Sam anymore, then what was left? The tears spilled over. Nothing was left. Sam didn’t want him around anymore. There was no point.  
Despite his resolve, Dean couldn’t stop his hand from trembling when he raised the gun to his head. But just as he was about to pull the trigger, he heard the flutter of wings.  
“Dean, no!” Cas lunged, roughly grabbing the gun out of Dean’s hand. They were shaking just as much as his.  
“Cas…” His voice sounded so broken, his eyes held such a deep, overwhelming sorrow, that Cas’ eyes filled with tears instantly.  
“Dean…” Dean’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the tremble in Cas’ voice. Cas noticed his confusion and became even more upset. Dean couldn’t even fathom that he was important to him. He felt like he’d been delivered a direct blow. Despite knowing his aversion to ‘chick flick moments’, Cas took hold of Dean’s hands and looked him straight in the eyes. “Dean, listen to me.” He looked away “No, you need to look at me. You need to see that I mean every word I’m about to say, Dean.” Dean complied.  
“Dean, you may not think so, but doing this would cause negative reactions. You are important, Dean. You are loved, you are cared for. You are worth so much and it pains me that you think otherwise. When I saw your soul in hell, Dean, despite all you had been through, it still shined. I saw your soul and even being as marred as it was it was beautiful and pure. You are a righteous man, Dean. You give, and give, and give, and you never ask for anything in return. You give all of your heart, your mind, your soul, for people. For their life, their safety. Thinking that you didn’t make an impact on them, thinking that they don’t have a place for you in their heart is ridiculous! I wish you thought more of yourself. I wish you would realize how much people love you. How much Sam loves you. How much I love you.”  
Dean’s eyes widened, and somehow his tears grew heavier. Sobs wracked his body as he finally let himself cry. He cried for everyone he had lost. He cried for all the pain he’d been through. He cried for the terror he’d had to deal with. He cried for Sam. For failing him. For letting him get so sick. For allowing Gadriel to violate him. For lying to him. He cried for getting to the point that Sam didn’t care enough to try to save him had the situation been reversed. He cried for driving his brother away.  
He had done all of this; the pain he had been feeling, he inflicted it on himself. It would be better if he was dead right now, things would be better, hell, there couldn’t be an apocalypse anymore. But here Dean was, alive, and sobbing his eyes out like the girl he is. But he couldn’t help it. Cas had said what he needed to hear. He gave him what he needed. For once he didn’t have to stay strong, for once he was the one doing the leaning, and not the one being leaned on.  
As he cried he thought about what Cas said. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he would be missed. Cas really did look like he had meant every word. Dean tightened his grip on Cas. Here he was, crying in an angel’s arms. An angel that’s been busy with a bunch of winged douchebags. He had more important things to deal with. Yet here he was. He was more important to Cas then every angel out there.  
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” he laughed. At least he tried to laugh. It didn’t sound like one though. Either way he was starting to feel better. He had finally faced his feelings, dealt with them, and he’s learned that maybe he was wrong about himself.  
Cas sighed in relief, and tightened his grip as well. He had gotten through to Dean, finally, after all of his attempts he had finally gotten through to him.  
“You are really stupid Dean Winchester, you know that?” he said thickly into Dean’s neck. “Don’t ever do that again you damn son of a bitch. You hear me? From now on you need to stop being such a coward and go to people when you’re feeling bad.” Dean chuckled.  
“Yeah, I hear ya Cas.”  
“Promise me, Dean.”  
“I promise. I won’t pull this again.”  
“Good.” Dean took a deep breath-it wasn’t shaky anymore-and pulled back a little. Shocked, he tentatively moved his hand to Cas’ face. Cas jumped when Dean wiped away his tears.  
“I’m sorry Cas,” Dean said guiltily. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” Cas smiled softly.  
“I’m just glad you’re alright now.” Suddenly Dean blushed and looked down, but then he looked back up, scared determination in his eyes.  
“I-uh,” He licked his lips. “I love you too, Cas.” Quickly he looked down, his face flaming. Cas’ eyes broadened in surprise. He hadn’t been expecting that. Still, he couldn’t help the big smile that graced his usually composed face. He squeezed Dean’s hand, causing him to look up. Dean smiled back, but then Cas’ face sobered.  
“Don’t think you’re done yet, Dean.” Dean looked confused. “Now you have to make up with Sam.”  
Cas kept a hand on Dean’s shoulder, like he was sure any second he’d bolt. Dean didn’t blame him. Sam was sitting at the table in the main room on his laptop. He looked up when he felt their stares.  
“Oh, hey Cas. What brings you here?”  
“Dean.”  
“What do you mean?” He looked at Dean skeptically, and Dean couldn’t help flinching in anticipation. Sam’s eyebrows furrowed.  
“What’s going on?” Cas’ face hardened.  
“It seems Dean has been more distraught over your dispute then he let on.” Sam’s eyes clouded with confusion. Dean tensed, he knew Cas was going to drop the suicide bomb. Dean’s skin started to burn, but somehow he felt cold, and clammy too. His stomach started to churn and his head started to spin. He clenched his fists in an attempt to hide their shaking. He must’ve sensed his flight instinct kicking in, ‘cause Cas gripped his shoulder tighter. “I just stopped Dean from killing himself.” Dean could’ve sworn the temperature dropped. Sam went rigid, and Dean could see his emotions warring in his eyes, each one fighting for dominance. He finally uttered a strangled reply.  
“What?” Cas looked at Dean expectantly.  
“Dean, you need to explain. You need to communicate.” His eyes softened. “Remember what I said outside.” Dean swallowed hard, and Cas gave his shoulder a squeeze. Thankfully he stayed right where he was.  
“Sam, I-I can’t take any of this fighting.” When he looked to Cas he gave him an encouraging smile. “It’s killing me Sam. It almost did, literally! You being mad and upset with me, I get that. But, you not wanting to be my brother is just something I can’t handle. I’ve been taking care of you since you were a tiny little kid. Everything I do is for you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There aint no me if there aint no you. You never really let me explain the whole possession thing. If you think I just let him violate you then you’re wrong. Making you say yes was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! I agonized over the decision. But in the end I went for it ‘cause you being mad at me was worth it if it meant I could keep you alive. I’ve fought so hard to stay alive so I could continue to keep you safe.” Dean’s voice went quiet. “So when you decided you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, I didn’t like the idea of living. So, please Sammy, can we just stop this? You’re my brother Sammy, I love you. So please, just stop. I need you Sammy. I miss you.” He stopped, not able to say another word without breaking down again. Dean clenched his fists and looked down to hide the fresh set of tears. He was the big brother-even if Sam was taller-he couldn’t cry in front of him.  
With a tight face and tears of his own, Sam erupted from his seat and wrapped him in a tight hug. A choked sob escaped Dean’s lips, causing one to rip from Sam’s own. Neither of the brothers knew how long they stood there, but they didn’t care; each had been battling their own demons, and the end of their fight made them weaker. When they finally pulled apart they gave each other watery smiles. Sam turned to Cas, his smile turned grateful.  
“Thanks Cas.”  
“Yeah,” Dean chimed in. “Thanks.” Cas smiled in return, though Sam noticed how much warmer it got when he directed it to Dean. Dean’s was just as warm, then it broadened into a grin.  
“Team Free Will, back together again.” Sam chuckled.  
“One ex-blood junkie, a drop-out with six bucks to his name, and his guardian angel over there.”  
“Nah man, you’re the king of research.” Sam rolled his eyes, but Cas smiled.  
“Team Free Will: the king of research, the righteous man, and their guardian angel.”  
“I like it,” Dean chirped.  
“Me too.” Sam’s face turned serious. “While this is nice and all, I’ve just found a case that we can’t ignore.” He went back to his laptop and Dean groaned.  
“Ugh, Sam you’re such a buzz kill!” The bitch face appeared.  
“It’s a serious one Dean. We have to do research.” Dean sighed.  
“Alright your highness. I’m gonna need a beer.  
When Dean came back he sat down heavily next to Cas, and Sam slid a book in front of him. The research was going to be boring as hell, but he still couldn’t help but feel happy. Nothing seemed to matter right then. Yes, every angel imaginable was currently roaming the world, and Abaddon still had to be dealt with, and the first blade basically turned him into a blood thirsty monster, but he was alive. He had his brother, Cas was right next to him-his knee resting comfortably against his, and for once, Dean felt everything was going to end up okay.


End file.
